Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
