You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
