Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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