The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
