The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
