Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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