My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize