Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Text me some of your sweat
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