I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
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