i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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