You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
