saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
