GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
