I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
God, I missed his penis.
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