Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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