i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I cut my penus on the lid.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
