When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
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