Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
You are a genius and a whore.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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