so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
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