I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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