I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
