I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
