pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
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