we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize