My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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