The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
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