You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
