I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
