If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
babies were throwing up all over the place
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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