ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
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