I accidentally burped into my bong.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
