I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
