please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
