Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
