He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Randomize
