1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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