Where are you?
In a non slutty way
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
