Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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