i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
