is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
