Your mouth is God's brothel.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
