oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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