sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Randomize
