Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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