I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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