Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
