At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
