Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
