a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize