Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
