I am in a vortex of obligation.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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