We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
