Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
