I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
