I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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