they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
