I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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