Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
