The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
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