She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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