im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
