i jhust puked up my retainher.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
