sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
