I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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