I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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