I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
